Learning to Be Honest
For the longest time, I had a hard time being honest with both God and myself when it came to admitting I wanted to bear children. I’ve always been open to adoption and yet there was a significant moment well over two years ago where the protective layers around my heart shed themselves and I admitted that a small, little seed of longing had burrowed itself in my heart. I didn’t really talk about it with people. I didn’t even want to admit it to myself. I felt wrong for asking for something specific from God when He has already blessed me with so much. That revelation, that honesty, shattered me into a thousand pieces. But in a good way too. That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Because it did. It still does.
But love beckons honesty. It nutures it. And there, my friends, is where I have found my courage.
Journal entry: 14 Jun 2012
God, I confess my fear to You. I pray that it would not seize me. Yet so many times I feel paralyzed by it. I’m afraid to allow myself to want something and be honest about it, because that could mean there might be a chance I might not actually get it and I’ll have to face everything that means. So its easier, safer, to tuck myself in a protective little ball and just deal with my present reality.
And it’s a beautiful one. Despite what I secretly long for, I know You have given me a beautiful life and I have so much to be thankful for. I know that through our struggles You bring us closer to You and prune us in Your perfect way. But for some reason, the topic of “family” is something I am afraid to trust you with. There are so many questions, so many layers to this that seem impossible, so I push away the deep-seated longings instead of confronting them with You. It’s safer to tell myself I just need to wait and You’ll make it happen. And one day You could.
But deep down I can’t help but know this isn’t born of a pure spirit of complete submission. It’s glossing over the fact that I don’t trust You to be bigger than my hopes and the possible disappointment of those hopes unrealized. I can see that maybe You are waiting on me to be honest and admit what I know has been there all along.
You need my honesty, because more than anything, more than a family, you want us to trust You. And I can’t trust You if I’m not willing to share sacred dreams and hidden places and give them over to You.
Regardless of what happens, help me to be honest. And may I trust You are catching every word and holding them in Your hand.