On the Edge…
Journal entry from May 24, 2013…
I’m reflecting on a lot this morning. I am definitely not pregnant, after hoping SO much that I was. I feel like I am teetering on the edge of a breakdown and yet desperately trying to cling to God so I don’t fall over the edge. It’s easy to feed into this self-pity, the anger, the disappointment, the fear, but I don’t want turn His Gospel into a story of me.
Because if I do, I will fall off that edge and I will be swallowed up by it. I’ve been there before…the numb and resentful version of myself and I know that God is calling me to be something different.
Two nights ago, I had the closest thing I’ve ever had to experiencing a panic attack. I laid awake at night, my pulse racing, trying to keep the onslaught of emotions at bay. All of these questions were yelling at the top of their lungs.
“What if you never have kids?”
“What if you are too scared to venture where God wants you to go?”
This further fed into other deep-seated fears.
“What if this dark valley isn’t close to being the most difficult thing you will face?”
“What if I get cancer?”
“What if Jared dies?”
“What if my parents die soon?”
And the worst fear, the one that lurked beneath them all was…
WHAT IF YOUR ROOTS AREN’T DEEP ENOUGH IN CHRIST TO ENDURE ALL OF THESE?
Earlier that night, I had read Matthew 13, the parable of the soils and I INSTANTLY knew I was the seed that fell among the thorns. All of these fears and anxious thoughts seem to strip me of my certainity-a feeling I’ve never felt before. I’m not a fearful person. I’m usually in control of my emotions, and have the willpower to not allow a situation to overtake me. But last night, I just felt…lost it in all.
I kept praying, “Lord, let my roots be deep enough. Lord, let my roots be deep enough.” Repeating it over and over, wanting them to be true. I knew those fears were not from You.
I know that now.
So I cling to You to keep these dark whispers from being the loudest thing I hear.
It’s hard to navigate through all of this right now. I wish I wasn’t on this cliff teetering between hope and despair. But then again, I’m not sure anyone can go though something like this and NOT be on the edge. Because as much as I would like to just turn off all the emotions, the hopes, and dreams, I know that would mean turning my back on the journey You and I are supposed to go down together.
And so I pray that you would give me the courage to face this. May Your voice command the fears and anxiety to be silent. Help me to sort through the onslaught of emotions. I feel bi-polar at times and that scares me. Hold me and soothe me. Call me out from within myself where I spend so much of my energy and effort internalizing all of this and trying to make sense of it.
And if I am to remain on the edge, help me to trust that I will never truly fall.