Exploring the Silence
Journal entry: 11 Oct 2013
For the last few years, this has been a prayer of mine. It is a desperate plea from a broken, and tired heart that needs reassurance You are still there.
For the longest time, all I’ve done is demand answers. Answers about family, answers about my husband’s job, answers to the things I am struggling with in life. I felt I was seeking You earnestly, trying to make sense of it all, not wanting to take a step outside of Your leading. As a Christian, I am taught that God DOES always answer prayers, either with a “yes,” “no,” or “not right now.” But honestly, it felt like I wasn’t getting any of the three. It was a deafening silence. It blanketed everything.
Can silence shout back? It certainly can feel like it. The echoes of unanswered prayers drown out everything else.
And even though this might not make a lot of sense, it felt like the silence was intentional. Don’t get me wrong. I KNEW You were there. I KNEW I was not abandoned. But I couldn’t understand why on earth You weren’t speaking.
Silence is like fog. You begin to fear it because it envelopes everything. You lose the confidence to put one foot in front of the other because you aren’t sure where you are supposed to go.
And so I froze, anxious in my doubts and insecurities. But slowly, bit by bit, I allowed myself to settle in the silence of the fog. I took a deep breath and tried to get comfortable where I stood. And slowly, I started to hear.
I have no problem coming to You as my provider. Provider of salvation, strength, direction, forgiveness, of things to come….but I’ve been so distracted listening for concrete answers that I missed Your voice.
And is says, “Let Me be your comfort when the answers don’t come.”
Comfort means presence. It can’t exist outside of relationship. It means that I am loved and am KNOWN. All of these questions and confusion…the times I feel so alone or struggle with how to express everything I am feeling….You ALREADY KNOW. And that is a sacred intimacy that has to be experienced. Not read about. Not drawn out on a piece of paper.
Because in my demands for answers, I exchanged the God of relationship for a math equation. Or a magic eight ball. Or a roadmap.
You are so much more than that.
So much more.